Episode Transcript
I want to preface this with a warning.
I do not claim to be able to cure depression.
If you are experiencing deep or ongoing depression, seek medical or professional help. That is not my role. What I’m sharing here is simply an experience I had, and I took full responsibility for my actions. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend the way I went about this—only that it’s an exploration I chose to undertake.
So, with that said, I’ll share the story.
I’ve always lived with depression. When I was younger, it was called manic depression, and it came about for a number of reasons. The specifics don’t really matter here.
At a certain point in my life, when I began playing with awareness and working through some of my challenges, depression was one of them. I’d reached a point where I could manage it. I could move through it. But it took a lot of effort—and that effort was exhausting.
I’ve said this many times: struggling with energetic, mental, and emotional states using willpower alone is tiring. And I’d reached that point with my depression—this constant heaviness, this low mood that never really left.
At the time, I was driving a school bus, among other things, so I had my days free. Depression would come in waves, and when one hit, I decided I wanted to understand it energetically.
And when I say “play,” I mean exploration—not trying to fix anything, just observing what was happening.
I trusted myself in what I was about to do, though I’ll say again: I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this approach. At the same time, there’s nothing inherently dangerous about exploring your internal experience. We all suffer, in different ways. This was simply an energetic exploration of suffering.
There can absolutely be medical reasons for depression, and professional help matters. But there’s also nothing stopping you from doing your own self-exploration alongside that. If you do, I’d suggest letting someone know. I didn’t—I didn’t want to alarm anyone—but that’s just what I chose at the time.
Here’s what happened.
I got home one day, sat down, and consciously allowed myself to sink into the heaviness. That slumped, weighted feeling. I went into it fully.
And as I did, I noticed I was becoming immobile. I couldn’t move. It was almost catatonic.
And I remember thinking, *Oh—this is what catatonic depression is.*
Your energy stops moving. You’re stuck.
But I trusted something I already sensed: if you understand the path in, you can follow the same path out.
So I stayed there. I allowed myself to be in that state for about an hour. My eyes were open. I was staring into space.
At one point, I noticed my finger.
And as I looked at it, it moved.
That awareness of movement sparked something—just a small fizz of sensation. And I thought, *That’s interesting.*
So I stayed with it. I watched my finger move slowly. I wasn’t thinking about anything else. My awareness was fully connected to the movement.
And I realised: this movement is generating energy.
Not effort—energy.
Specifically, the energy of the mind–body connection.
From there, I didn’t try to do anything. I simply allowed what was happening. There was a two-way process unfolding: movement expressing itself, and awareness maintaining contact with it.
The movement spread into my hand, then further into my body. And I could feel energy filling me.
And that’s when I realised—this is a source of energy.
To explain what was happening in more familiar terms: this involves the nervous system, specifically the dopamine reward system.
Most people don’t understand that dopamine isn’t just about pleasure. It plays a role in learning through pattern recognition.
Think about how a child learns to walk. They observe a pattern, attempt to replicate it, and when they get close, the body rewards the movement. That reward signals: *this is the right pattern*. The nervous system then builds pathways so the movement can be repeated.
If the pattern is wrong, a different chemical response interrupts it so the body doesn’t reinforce the mistake.
What I’d tapped into was awareness connected with action.
I was creating a feedback loop—but without chasing the chemical “high” that often comes with it. This was happening below that threshold, at an energetic level.
Because I wasn’t amplifying it, I stayed beneath the point where emotion or chemistry takes over. What I now recognise as the beginning of the potential state.
From there, something shifted.
I was sitting at the table and noticed a pen lying crooked. Without thinking—no effort, no planning—I straightened it.
And I stopped.
Because that movement hadn’t been forced.
Have you ever noticed that when you *really* want to do something, you don’t have to think about it? The intention and the movement arise together.
That’s what this was.
My attention shifted elsewhere. I picked up a piece of paper. Then the pen. Then I started writing. Slowly at first, then more naturally.
I got up. I picked up a towel from the floor. I put it away. I did the dishes.
And at some point I thought: *What if this is a way to live?*
I’ve always struggled with planning—ADHD, procrastination, analysis paralysis. Getting things done required effort and force.
But here, because the internal conditions had changed, my true nature was emerging on its own. And that part of me *wanted* to do things. It liked order. It liked movement. It liked engagement.
Nothing was forced.
Over time, this became how I lived.
The mind still kicks in occasionally—telling me I should be doing more—but the difference is that action no longer comes from pressure. It emerges naturally.
I still go to work. I still meet responsibilities. But instead of forcing myself through them, they express themselves.
I’ve gotten more done in the last year or two than in the twenty years before that—not by effort, but by allowing.
This connects directly to what I call your energetic signature, which I explore in much more depth inside the community. Once you start talking about this work, everything connects—and it’s easy to go off track for hours.
So I’ll leave it there.
Keep going.
Explore.
You’ll find something of value inside Non-Ordinary Living.
